I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
