somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
