just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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