so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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