So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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