i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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