My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
