dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
