I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
