My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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