my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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