if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
