I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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