I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
