So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
