So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
