saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
