I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
