Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
