I wish I only lived at night.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
