her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Michael Bay diarrhea
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
