I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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