I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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