i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
