I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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