brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
NoShamevember. You game?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
