I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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