he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
