we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
