put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
FUCK WHALES
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
