She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
