Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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