I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
