I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
