Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
