My sheets look like a crime scene.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Farmville is her only friend.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
