Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
