So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
