Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
