He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
