just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
