I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
