His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
