apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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