Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
