Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
