don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
