I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
