He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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