You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
