oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
