I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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